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Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Doubt

I am struggling with doubt today. I have not been able to convince myself to finalize our flight plans because I'm doubtful that it will work. Giulian is faithful and confident, I am nervous. Doubt is something that can creep in like a slow fog. At first the air feels unnoticeably sticky, and before you know it you can't even see your own hand in front of your face! (My L.C. brethren can testify to this analogy, amen?) That is why it's so dangerous and can cause so many collisions - it is deceiving, like doubt.

I have traveled, I love to travel. I've done missions, I love to do missions. But this is new for me! Being that we have always (always for us is only a couple of years) been in the lower-income bracket, I have become very organized and strategic with our finances. So to buy flights without being able to plan where each dollar will come from and exactly where it will be allocated is a scary step for me. We don't know how we'll get all the money we need, or even how much we'll need exactly. It's all very uncertain and I'm constantly wondering if I'm doing anything right. I am quick to attribute this feeling to anything BUT doubt, the very thing that it is.

I'm not normally seen as an "unconfident" person, but I think this sudden doubt could be attributed to how out of touch I feel with God right now. It's not as though I feel that God is out of earshot now, I have just allowed myself to take my concerns elsewhere first. God has remained committed to me in relationship, but I have overlooked Him at times. What I need to spend time thinking about is not which flight is perfect or where we will live, but on how to better cultivate a spirit of prayer. Although these other things are important, they mean NOTHING if I am not prepared spiritually and constantly surrendering myself to Christ. We are asking others to partner with us in prayer, and I need to commit to strive in prayer myself.

Thank you Lord for the promise that if I draw near to you, you will draw near to me. (James 4:8)

-Christy

4 comments:

  1. "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." Romans 8:26

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  2. This is absolutely true... the real roots of doubt are completely removed from circumstantial issues, but they reflect a deeper underlying heart issue.
    I can testify that sweet times I have had in prayer with the Lord have produced amazing fruit- serving to transcend EVERY area of my life. God is so faithful.

    "...Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philipians 4:6-7

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  3. Seems like something we all struggle through when we are finding ourselves in a place to be stretched.

    I have found myself recently digging in Scripture to soothe this sense of fearing the future. Fearing where the next paycheck will come from, and fearing if going after this decision to pursue Washington is the right choice. And in the midst of my searching, I landed in Luke. Reading through the words of Jesus, from chapter 9 through chapter 12. The first section is the sending out of the disciples, followed by the subject of prayer, and finishing with the topic of possessions and money.

    I encourage you to read this section, if you have not recently. At the end of my reading, I highlighted this verse. Luke 12:31, "Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need."

    This challenged my heart. Though I have read this passage so many times before and know that in my past have had to memorize it - it was now that I found it so applicable. Finding myself in a place of uncertainty, but also believing that I am heading in the right direction until God decides to change it.

    I hope you are encouraged by the words of Jesus. What an incredible comfort to have Him to continually rely on.

    Love you!

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  4. Thanks for your encouragement friends. Through prayer and Scripture-reading we're confident this is where God wants us to be. We love you friends!

    -Christy

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